I don’t think I have ever been so happy for a week to be over. It has been a great week and I have loved it all. At the same time I am beyond happy I am going into an extended weekend. It has been a week of emotional roller coasting around here.
So much has been going on. Busy activities for all of the kiddos and their schools. Field trips, senior year end things, working on figuring out things for the summer, working on getting my parents yard ready for the open house, changes with the open house, and then add in all of the regular things going on.
It was all worth it in the end. Seeing the smiles on their faces when I was there for them. It isn’t something I have always done for my children. There are a lot of times I have not been there the way I needed to be. That isn’t something I enjoy thinking about, but it is my past. It doesn’t define my future with them and for that I am thankful.
Today was a great way to finish out the week. Had youth group tonight and it ended up being a youth group without youth. The leaders sat around and did a lot of talking about things that made me feel. We talked about how we grew up and the churches we attended. We talked about how we found the church we attend, and how it is helped to shape us. We talked about how we really didn’t realize how different certain religious views are and how they are brought on by people and their views instead of The Word and how it never changes!
I am blessed and I haven’t always seen it. When you develop a relationship with Christ, your eyes are opened. But you can’t just develop the relationship and walk away. It is a real relationship. Growing up I never was taught how to have or develop a relationship with Him. I never knew it was missing.
As I got older and was making wrong choices, I could feel something was missing but I never really knew. I wanted love but wasn’t finding it. I wasn’t picking friends who really loved me. I wasn’t picking men who really loved me. I had a child and I thought that was going to be the answer to it all and it wasn’t. I thought marriage would be the answer and it wasn’t. So what was I missing? What was creating the hole I was feeling?
I had life passing me by and my health was getting worse, my life and relationships were miserable, my mental health was declining at a rapid rate and I still had this hole that I could not fill. I wanted to be better. I wanted to feel loved. I wanted to feel whole. My marriage wasn’t a marriage. No matter what I did, I wasn’t right. I just could not make the correct choice for anyone who was in my life.
I wanted to be a good mom, wife, daughter, friend and all around good person. I just couldn’t get there, on my own. I bought a Bible and decided the first thing I would try and work on was my marriage. Because of that I also got a book The Power of a Praying Wife by Stormie OMartian. I also invested in her prayer cards and the study guide. I was desperate for my marriage to work.
I wanted someone in my life to be happy with the choices I had made. I wasn’t making anyone happy and so I was bound and determined that this was what I was going to make work. I was searching for answers any place I could find them. All that happened though was our fights got worse, the relationship was worse and he was blaming my new found prayer life and help books.
After all was said and done, I was again making bad choices. I was running out of ways to turn. After a crazy night of fighting, I ended up driving around and turning into a church. It turned out I was turning into my home. My path changed that day in life, even if I didn’t know it or realize it at that moment.
Since that day my life has taken a crazy path but over time I have found my way. God has placed people in my life who really love me and do not judge my past. God has given me an amazing husband who tries his best to support his wife and all I go through. God has given me family that isn’t blood, who love me. God has opened my heart, my mind and allows me to feel the Holy Spirit and I am being moved.
He has placed essential oils in my life to help deal with the pain I have and my mental health. He has placed the capsules in my life and that has helped change the life we know with the pain and financial. It hasn’t been easy, it still isn’t easy and yet my hole has been filled. I am not watching life pass me by anymore. It isn’t perfect but I am blessed. I know I am blessed.
I am being healed from the inside out. Not just my body but my life. My past does not define who I am. I am still broken but I am confident with where my life is heading. I am proud of who I am and who I am becoming. Being broken, not knowing how you are going to function isn’t easy to deal with. When you are there, it is a pretty dark place to be. I am blessed though and I was lucky to find all I have.
Have you ever felt lost and that you just were watching life pass you by? I would love to hear about it and how you over came it or if you are still in the middle of it.