Today was an overwhelming day. I had an appointment with my psychiatrist this morning. My typical appointment is meetings, giving an (overly) brief update from the last time we meet. New prescriptions being sent to the pharmacy. A hug goodbye. A see you in a few months. Setting up my next appointment and going upon my day.
Today when I talked about what has been going on, I broke down some. Just having to speak some of what has been going on over the last bit of time. Having to admit what could happen in the next few years. I started to cry. Then my PDoc had some more news for me. She is closing her practice and no longer going to be a practicing PDoc.
I wish I could say I was jumping up and down for her, but I started to cry as she was telling me. You see, I had gone through a lot of PDoc’s in the two years I had been diagnosed. I was not an easy patient. I wanted someone who listened to me. If I stopped taking meds, I would tell them. If I didn’t stop but hated the way it was making me feel, I would tell them.
Most of the PDoc’s I would meet had their favorite drugs to use. They wanted you to use it and if you didn’t agree, some of them had a “God Complex” and would lash out, get upset, ignore your requests, or fight with me (okay it was probably me fighting with them at that time). How I ended up with this amazing lady, I do not totally recall, however it has just about been 18 years now.
We found out not long into our relationship that we had children who were born on the same day. Those two babies just turned 18 at the end of January. Wow.
I have been a broken person most of my life. I have been stable for a while now and don’t need the care I once did. However having her there, knowing she would listen, knowing she cared about my feelings and knowing she always had my back made me feel safe. Life isn’t always about being in your safe zone.
We have similar views on things like big hospitals, insurance, government overstepping controlling things, mental health care stigma, and the list goes on. There are no words to explain how much she has meant to me over the last 18 years. She hasn’t just been my PDoc, she has also helped with some things when I was having physical pain. She has been a counselor, she has helped me with other issues/questions when it comes to my Factor V Leiden and she has just been there.
I felt like it was the last bit of me shattering as I walked out of her office today, in tears. I sat in the parking lot for a while and cried. It was this huge bittersweet moment. I am happy for where she is going. I don’t know where she is going to go but I do know she is going to make great waves. I can picture her doing TED talks. I can picture her making speeches to congress about medical issues. I can picture her using her expansive knowledge writing a blog and bringing notice to many things that need to change. She is going to soar no matter where she decides to go with this next part of her life and career.
Fast forward to me getting home today. I did a lot of relfecting on the way home. Just reviewing the last month and I am thankful. I am feeling broken, beyond broken, I was feeling shattered. I walked into the house, look down and see that one of my kittens had been on the counter. I had a bowl, plate and cup shattered all over the floor.
I could not help but laugh. I am feeling like I am splattered on the ground in a million pieces and I walk into my house and have to clean up a million pieces of glass off the ground in my kitchen. Talk about irony. However as I was sweeping up all the pieces it was very relatable.
I am feeling like I was in a million pieces. I have had a month of hell. I have lost the last month of my life it feels like and my appointment was the straw that broke the camels back (or my back). I could be swept up, picked up, dumped in the trash and start fresh. I could attempt to put those pieces back together but it wouldn’t be the same, just like I won’t be the same after this past month. Life changes you. Events change you. You can not go into something and come out the same. You have emotional scars. You have physical scars. You can only make one choice, are you going to be bitter or are you going to be better? Bitter or better?
Things have been rough this last month. I have to make some choices though. I had to focus, as much as I could on the positive, on the things that are going good instead. On the fact that our health is better from the fruit, berries and veggies we are getting each day. On the fact that even though I had surgery, an emergency hospital stay, emergency surgery and a final surgery and Jack lost pay we made up that pay with our home business. On the fact that I could still be stuck in the hospital and down and out but things were not as bad because I have been getting all the nutrition I need daily from whole food based capsules. On the fact that my children are happy and healthy. On the fact that Jack has a job that provides for us. On the fact that my family, friends and church family have been praying for my healing and pain.
On the fact that God is so good to our family and I have been very blessed. I have been blessed by a woman who has stood by me for 18 years. I have been blessed by a husband who has stood by me for 10 years. I have been blessed by a church family for the last 13 years. I have been blessed by my children for 24 years.
I am truly thankful for all God has placed in my life, including you!