It has been over a week since my oldest attempted suicide. He has been in a mental health facility for a week now. Today was a family meeting. It was something I wasn’t looking forward to. The conversation I had with him on Saturday was rough and confirmed so much for me.
I prayed a lot yesterday. I prayed a lot today. I just want him better. I just want him well. Things have happened in his life and he really needs to deal with them. In order to deal with them, he has to open up his mind to his past and actually allow himself to have memories and feelings.
I opened up my Bible today and the verse of the day was Luke 1:37. Basically no matter what version of the Bible you read it comes down to, “With God, nothing is impossible.”. It reminds me of the fact that when I am with God, He can do anything.
He can allow things to work themselves out. He can ultimately take control, grab hold of someone and wake them up with the Holy Spirit. He can stand with me, hold my hand, and give me peace.
I turn to Him a lot. I was told today that some people thought I would be more broken by what is going on. That I would be breaking down more. That I would be a complete and utter wreck. Funny thing is I heard it from more than one person today. It must have been the day to let me know. It wasn’t a bad thing, it really helped me see how much I have been holding strong and pulling into Christ.
It really isn’t me holding strong though. It is that I have faith, faith that no matter what happens, God has me. I can not control any situation in this world, especially when others are involved. Even the things that happen to me are not always controllable.
I do not want bad things to happen to my children but they are a gift from God. He gives us gifts, He takes gifts home to be with Him and then we are reunited with those gifts later.
God has always been a miracle worker. God is amazing. He has given people children who thought they would never have children. He has brought people back to life. He has healed illnesses. He gave all of us the Holy Spirit. He gave us Christ, so that I would be white as snow in His presence.
Mental health problems suck. I have been dealing with them for a long time. I recall having a meltdown at my fifth birthday. I started to get out of control around my thirteen birthday. I wasn’t diagnosed with a problem until twenty-second birthday. I am going on forty-two years old, that means I have officially been dealing with my personal mental health problems for just under twenty years.
There is no way around it, they suck. You have to change medications. Some things that work great for a time all of a sudden stop working. Having to actually face and deal with the issues suck. There are times when you feel great and you convince yourself why do I need meds, I feel great. In the back of my mind I would have to remember what it was like on the wrong meds, not on meds, and I had to fight myself. I even have notes by my medication reminding myself.
I don’t enjoy taking medications but I have to take them. I have found natural things and alternative things that help me on top of my medications but I will always have to have two types of medications in my life: anticoagulant and something for bipolar disorder.
I have to remind myself sometimes what I was like without the medication for bipolar disorder. I self medicated with alcohol, sex, self-injury and so much more. I may not like what I have to do but I certainly do not like who I was without medications that were working for me. I do not want to go back to that person.
So as I sit here and have to practice tough love on my oldest son who attempted suicide, it kills me inside. I just want him to be better, to be happy, to be stable and to be my little boy who is so loving and caring. Instead, I hold strong to my God. My God who promises that He is always with me, even with everything in the world is falling apart around me. My God who promises to hold me when I am falling apart. My God who promises that no matter what, all things are possible with Him.