Today was the day I went back to my urologist. I knew we would talk about my CT Scan results. I knew I had the cystoscope that was going to be done. I wasn’t really sure what all of this was going to bring.
It has been a rough week. I actually woke up today and somehow had managed to forget about my test today. Not once, not twice, three times. I had to ask a friend to remind me where I was going after my Bible study this morning.
Even though I had been given a peace about all of this in regards to cancer, I knew I had kidney stones and a cyst that I wasn’t sure about. Thankfully I got a great result today:
- My bladder looked amazing. A total of four pin holes was all he could see. Typically I am one thousand plus when it comes to the pin holes. Four is AMAZING! Thank goodness. I have been diagnosed with IC since 1998. I have done just about ever med out there (if not all of them), bladder treatments and the diet. I still have IC but my bladder is healing! Talk about a wow!
- There were no masses or tumors in my bladder.
- There were no lesions in my bladder.
- I do have kidney stones. Due to other issues, the procedure will be a bit more complicated. I can either wait for them to try and pass them and hope for the best or we can do elective surgery. Of course it won’t just be one surgery, they would have to do one kidney at a time. So I asked some questions and it comes down to this: I do have some stones that are bigger that could cause issues. If they do cause issues, with me being on a blood thinner, it will be very complicated and I will be in the hospital for a good week. If we do elective surgery, we are in more control and I Amy only need to spend one night in the hospital.
- I do have a cyst and it isn’t where it normally would be. It is in the meat of the kidney. He said it could be malignant because of the fact it does have calcification on it. He would like to for the time being just monitor it. If it starts to change (shape or more calcification), then we will need to do a biopsy. If it comes back malignant then it would require surgery to remove it. I did ask if I went with the elective kidney stone surgery if the cyst could be removed as well and it can’t because of the abnormal location.
So I am very blessed. The peace He gave to me, I just knew I was okay. I didn’t expect to get such a great report about my bladder but I am so happy about it.
Now we are going to jump back to a little earlier in the day. Today everything that has been going on hit me and hit me hard. I look forward to and love my Wednesday morning Bible study. It is like getting a huge hug and they are a great support system. God has blessed me with this group in ways I never knew were possible.
Today was the first time I would see most of these women since my oldest attempted suicide. I didn’t really give details in the prayer request or the updates. I saw a couple on Sunday and talked a little bit but for the most part, this was the first time I would be talking about it.
I have not really cried about it. I have had tears here and there. I cried when talking to him. Still after the conversation in the hospital, after the conversation yesterday and then the one this morning, I was really heartbroken.
It was evident with the words, he really didn’t want to change. He was giving excuses and reasons why not to do something. It typically would harden my heart with boundaries but Bible study broke through that wall and the tears just couldn’t stop flowing.
This was given to me by someone who since I met her, has been a huge blessing to me. She walked over with a bag today, we talked, I cried, she hugged me, told me she understood and for the first time in a really long time I felt like I wasn’t alone and someone understood my agony deep inside.
It isn’t that people are not there for me. I have been so blessed to have so many around me, praying for all of us. However I have felt alone because you can’t really explain how it feels for your child to try and take their own life and to be laying in front of you on life support.
When I say this is the best gift I have ever been given, I am not exaggerating. The time, the effort, the words, the picture, the verses, they are just perfect. It is a reminder for dark times. It is a reminder for light times. It was exactly what I needed, when I needed it.
The first thing I picked out was, “You are highly treasured and loved by me…Jesus” and I am and I always will be. While I know this and believe this, there are moments when that reminder is needed.
What is the best gift you have ever been given? Today has been a day of blessings and I am so thankful!