There are a lot of things in life that make you feel broken. Once you feel broken it can be hard to get back to a place where you feel whole.
In my Bible study on Wednesdays I am very open and honest. I lay my brokenness down for them to help pray for me. I lay it down at the cross first and when that alone doesn’t work I go to prayer partners.
One of them this past week posted something on my facebook wall about Kintsukuroi. It talked about how in the Japanese culture when any pottery was broken they would repair it with gold. They then felt it was made more beautiful for having been broken.
However as a person when you are broken, how do you repair yourself with the gold or silver? How do you see yourself as even more beautiful than you were before you were broken? Are there practical steps that should be taken or could be taken or is it just something you have to slowly work through?
As a person who has many broken pieces, many cracks and many holes even though I know I can be whole and even more beautiful once I am repaired, it is hard to know where to start. Then add to it that even when you think it is repaired something can trigger you and break that repair right back open.
This weekend was our churches Christmas program. It makes for a long week. It always seems to fall on a week when the school programs take place. So we typically have zero days that are free in the evening. It is always such a wonderful time though. We have been trying to go to one of the dinner programs, get dressed up and have an enjoyable time with watching the children, the choir and soaking in the reason for the season.
However this weekend brought on some old cracks for me. Reopened wounds and the cracks that were being repaired open right up. I even did something I encourage others to do, address it right away. Do not let it fester, do not keep it inside, tell the person how you feel, what is going on and get it out.
I am not a person who typically dresses up. I love being comfortable. If that means I am in sweats, I wear them. If a sweatshirt is comfy, I wear it. If a dress is comfy, I wear that. So this weekend when I got dressed up and heard nothing about how I looked, I broke.
Once upon a time this girl didn’t feel valuable. Once upon a time this girl didn’t feel loved. Once upon a time this girl felt fat. Once upon a time this girl felt ugly. Once upon a time this girl felt unattractive. Once upon a time this girl had a reel of ugliness that ran through her head when she looked in the mirror. Once upon a time this girl had no confidence.
When the person who is supposed to love you tells you that you are fat, ugly, not attractive, and so much more it is hard to hear or see anything else. I have spent a lot of time trying to turn that broken record off inside of my mind. I have done therapy. I have gone to God. I have spoken to others about it. I finally started to move past it over the last year and this weekend brought it all back.
I didn’t hear that I was beautiful, or pretty, or sexy, or wanted. Then when Jack and I got together it was different. He would call me beautiful, pretty, sexy, and most of all he made me feel wanted. Those old cracks don’t mend immediately though. I wish they did. It does help to hear the opposite but the emotional scares are hard to overcome. I have physically been around Jack longer and more than I was my ex and still at times those words he said in the past overcome the words of the present.
Of course my husband doesn’t typically look at me and say nothing. He is amazing. Some of the things I always wanted with my past relationship he does. He texts me during the day, he calls me when he is out of work, he tells me he loves me and means it, he hugs me and kisses me during the day and he is attracted to me. So why does one day of him not saying something trigger so badly and the cracks all come back out?
Because I am a broken person. I have to look to God and His word to fix my cracks. I am His daughter. I am His Bride. I am worth far more than rubies. I am broken but He loves me. He died for me. He picked me. He has saved me. Christ dying on the cross was His way of binding me with gold and silver. I still fall, I still sin, I still go to Him for forgiveness, guidance, help and grace but I am always loved by Him. He always sees my beauty! He seems my cracks, fills them in and sees how I am even more beautiful than I was before.
I will never be whole here. I will never be perfect this side of heaven. And yet He still binds up my wounds with gold and silver.
Yes in order to get better you must work through your cracks and brokenness. You also have to bring it to God and lay it at the cross. You can not heal yourself and you can’t bind up your cracks with the gold yourself. You must turn to Him and His word and you must understand He already LOVES you! He has always LOVED you! He will always LOVE you!
No matter what you do, no matter your sin, YOU ARE LOVED! No matter your brokenness, no matter your cracks, YOU ARE LOVED!
The Japanese knew how to bring beauty to things that were broken. It is what we are. We are all broken and we can all be beautiful again. No matter what has broken you, you are fixable, you are even more beautiful than you were before you were broken and you are loved.
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