My blog(s) used to be my outlet. I don’t always post about everything that goes on but this is going to be a baring, vulnerable, open and honest post.
Over the summer I did a Bible study with a few ladies. This study helped cement something I have known but didn’t want to accept. Maybe a better way to say it is I wasn’t sure how to fully accept it.
God has chosen me. God knew all of the bad choices I would make in my life. God still sent Jesus to save me. Jesus died on the cross for me. When God looks at me what He sees is me white as snow and not a stain at all. I am completely forgiven for all I have done, for all I currently do and for all I will do in the future.
I have not been a good example for my children, especially my older boys and for a while my daughter. My youngest has always seen me at church and married to his dad. That wasn’t always who I was, even up to recent times. I was pregnant for Kyle at age 17 and unmarried. Ran off to get married in Vegas but that didn’t happen. I got pregnant for Adam by a person I wasn’t with. There had been a fight with the boyfriend and he kicked me out and changed the locks. I went to a friends and well the rest was history. The ex boyfriend and I got back together was aware of it and decided to be Adam’s dad and is on the birth certificate. We did end up married and then went through a horrible divorce. I got pregnant for Bella while married to my ex husband by my current husband. I got pregnant for my youngest while still married to my ex but we got married (when the divorce was final) before our youngest son was born. I am bipolar who has self medicated. I am bipolar and I have self medicated with: alcohol, smoking, sex, shopping, cutting (self-mutilation), and pretty much anything else you can think of really; sans drugs. I have burned through relationships left and right. I have been in bad relationships teaching them what not to do and how to put themselves first instead of God. Truth be told I have many stories that could show you just how unGodly, selfish, and my path of poor choices but now is not the correct time.
Now currently I am watching one of my children go down the same path I did. Can he come out of it? I have no doubt in my mind but he has to make that choice for himself.
The only thing I can do is pray for him and choose not to enable him and his ways.
We allowed him to come home a few weeks ago because he was bawling and begging for help. He got here and started the process of getting a doctor, getting help groups set up, even looking into rehab places (to the point of doing interviews). Then not even a week after being home and agreeing to all we had placed in front of him, it all started to come to an end.
He was lying, disrespecting, stealing, drinking, manipulating and doing what he pleased because it is his life. Can you guess what changed? He met a girl and she was living her life the way he had been prior to coming home. As a matter of fact one of the conversations I had with him went something like this, “Well Bleep Bleep and I don’t understand why you have the same rules her mom has. We just don’t understand them and they are ridiculous because we are adults.” and my response, “What rules are those?” son’s response, “No overnight guests, no early morning guests, no drinking, no drugs, having to go to support groups and that kind of crap.” my response, “Because for me, it is my home and even though you are an adult you are living here and these are my rules. While I have made poor choices in my past I do not want your siblings to see these poor choices and think they are okay. So if you don’t like them you can leave.” The huffing and puffing went on but the things had already started going downhill.
Last Monday was the final escalation and blowout for me. I ended up calling the police. Do you know how tiring it gets having to do things like this? Do you know how much it breaks you each time you have to do something like this? Do you know how overwhelming it is to have to make a choice like this?
Now this is where something really important comes in for me. I love my family. I love my parents, my siblings, my children, my husband, my church family, my extended family and my friends. Still most of all I love God. I choose God.
I am not perfect and I never will be. I do my best to change but it isn’t all up to me. I have started to build this amazing relationship with Him and over the course of the last nine months He has really changed a lot of things about me, with me. One of the biggest is our relationship and how I see myself and Him.
Another thing that has changed is that I choose God and where He is leading me. I am not perfect. My home is not perfect. My yard is not perfect. My children are not perfect. Other may say things about how this or that is but it is okay. God has me on a path. He is guiding me and I choose to listen to and to follow where He is leading me. I have found an inner contentment with where I am in life, with where He has me and what He has me doing.
At home businesses – great take me there. At home mom – fabulous when can I play with my children. Best friend to my husband – how lucky to have a best friend for a husband. Caretaker and helper to friends and family – point me where I need to go. Blogger and educator – thank you Lord for this blessing, and gift so bring it on.
Who I am is no longer defined by who I want to be. Who I am is no longer defined by what others think I should be. Who I am is now defined by who God has chosen me to be. Who I am changes and I am okay and happy with where I am at in life.
I am not perfect in so many areas, like all of them. I do excel in some of those areas, thankfully I tend to like those areas.
I am not Martha Stewart. I am not the Fly Lady. I am not Joyce Meyer. I am not Mary Poppins. I am not Oprah. I am not Paula Deen. I am me.
I have been working so hard on me and being who God wants me to be and I am finally happy to be where I am. I am happy I can say, “I choose God”. I choose to go where He is pointing me. Not everyone is going to agree with where I go or what I do and that is okay. I was not put here on earth to make them happy, I was put here to do His will and be who He created me to be.
So last week was hard for me. This week hasn’t been much easier. I look around my house and see all the things I worked so hard at for 3 weeks, gone. It took a week but I know that this past week I was where I was supposed to be. I did all I was supposed to do. I was right where God called me to be.
Things certainly don’t look perfect from the outside or the inside but I can say, “I choose God” and I have been and wow does it feel good!
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